Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.