Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I have a black belt in leather
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.