Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
incredible
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…