@FatherWithTwins

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

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@IGotsSmarts

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

@shutupmikeginn

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

@itsBABYSMITH

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

@IamJackBoot

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

@MommyingHard

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.