Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
consequences, the bane of my existence
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.