Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Found my door mat
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.