FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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My husband says it鈥檚 not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it鈥檚 how I鈥檓 constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements鈥irst: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
That鈥檚 not how days work.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
big announcement, i鈥檓 working on a new horror property
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero 猸愶笍s. Do not recommend.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up