Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Never ghost your hitman.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
my sentiments exactly
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”