Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Always 🥴
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!