Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.