Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
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Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.