@AndyRichter

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

@dadmann_walking

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

@radtoria

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

@GreenishDuck

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

@toastymoe

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

@protolalia

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

@MrDelFreaky

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

@Bownuggets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

@Jake_Vig

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

@Inconsteveable

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”