Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
You Might Also Like
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans