Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
When news reporters do sports stories
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”