“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.