[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]