[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.