When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
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My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*eats Milky Way*
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’