@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

You Might Also Like

@Magoosback

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

@amydillon

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

@jessokfine

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

@dinnersruined

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

@_NinJar

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

@LittleMissLizz

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’