[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus