[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
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Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!