[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.