Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
incredible text to wake up to
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again