[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
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due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Is this a threat?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole