[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”