Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.