Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?