Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.