Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

technically true but not a great slogan

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.