Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
no!! no!!!!!!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough