Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
You Might Also Like
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m sorry…what?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in