Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.