Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.