Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
You Might Also Like
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’m not wrong
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?