Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Expect the unexporcupine.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate