Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
May have had one breakfast too many
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?