@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

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@CorndogHospital

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

@junejuly12

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

@ddsmidt

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

@AndyAsAdjective

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@tiReynard

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

@mommajessiec

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

@GrantTanaka

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

@Tim_Burgess

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

@XplodingUnicorn

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.