Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.