Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho