@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
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I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Planet of the Apps.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.