@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.