@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.