@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
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(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Botany good plants lately?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.