@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. πππ
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Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
A magicianβs assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isnβt this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientistβ¦
my 9yo: Iβm gonna sell my PokΓ©mon cards on the streets of New York.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
RaΓΊl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My baby girl turns 2 today and Iβm so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Iβm going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and theyβll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My wife: βIβll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.β
Me: βOK.β
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. Itβs like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing Iβve done today
I was first in line
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*