@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
happy friday
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.