@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Pot warmers of the day.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.