@funTweeters
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real