Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
😆this is so true
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Meeeee too!