[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
welp
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.