[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My circle of trust is a meatball
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.