FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Always…
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.