[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I’m Sold!
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples