future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it