FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.