Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Wednesday
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Are we there yet?…
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.