[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.