Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.